Diary

I couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to do what I do best when I’m awake. Write.

I have this selfish complex where I don’t enjoy praying in public. Sigh, never have, not sure if I ever will. I’m thankful for the public church prayers, blessings rain from Heaven and I partake of another’s labor (their courage, willingness, selflessness) but me, I just can’t bring myself. The prayers start conversational, then they grow louder and louder and louder, like shouting to God and yea, we are permitted to make a joyful noise and cry out for God but I can’t bring myself to shout at God…

Excuse for cowardliness or complex humility? You decide.

I pray, without ceasing, burning bush Moses style fireside chats, but never elongated soliloquies that don’t grant my God equal or greater time to speak to me. We converse in intervals, admittedly I sometime ramble but I always pause to listen for his responses. I often wonder do people pray privately the way they pray publicly? Eh.

And this is no shade to church warrior prayers, I just know it isn’t my gift in the same manner I doubt oratorical sermons are my gift either. There is a sentiment of theatrics, rehearsal and performance that bothers me. There is a sacred intimacy to God that I can’t stream live, am I simply selfish?

Maybe

I am often mistaken as charismatic. I am not. The Holy Spirit that dwells in me is charismatic, I am not. I am quiet, I am analytical, I am an introvert, I am pensive, I am a writer.

My Bible Blogs truly give me life. Oral sermons are great they serve their distinct purpose but for those that need to seek God, that need time to explore God, that need to be alone, interrupted, free from the politics of interpersonal church relations to find God, I hope I can help.

If you are ashamedly questioning your faith and want private answers, I hope I can help.

If you are depressed and detected, frightened by a life without God but frightened by the demands of righteousness set by God, I hope I can help.

I hope you can heal.

I hope these diary pages help release the perfect love that cast out fear.

Good night.

God loves you. God bless you.